Detective John Kimble: How do I look?
Phoebe O'Hara: Take off the gun.
[Kimble realizes he has strapped on his shoulder holster]
Detective John Kimble: That's a good idea.
Phoebe O'Hara: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
Detective John Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
Phoebe O'Hara: On second thought, take the gun.
My dad loved Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. He had his own personal Arnold movie collection. We watched hours upon hours of Schwarznegger movies from Predator, Terminator, and Commando(My Favorites) to Red Sonja andRed Heat(I would walk out of the room for these). Arnold, at that time, was the biggest, most monosyllabic action hero of all time. He would rarely talk in these movies, instead the producers and director opted for Arnold to stare down his enemy, grab the nearest weapon, and then proceed to wipe out an entire army with brute force. Or a bicep pump. It was all deadly for Arnold.
After a good five year run playing the brawny action hero, Schwarznegger took two comedic roles in Twins, with Danny DeVito, and then took center stage as the tough cop turned sensitive teacher in Kindergarten Cop. Both of these films were directed by Ivan Reitman, a man who knows a thing or two about funny movies. I was nine years old when Kindergarten Cop came out. Arnold was perfect for the role with his action hero/tough guy image combined with that distinct Austrian accent that played well against his child co-stars who tested and pushed their tough guy teacher to the limit. I'm thirty and I still laugh when I think of the line, "Boys have a penis and girls have vagina" Along with the classic Arnold game he plays with the children of "Who is your daddy and what does he do?"
Now I was nine at the time, not that far removed from my own Kindergarten days, thinking I never talked or acted like these children. If a guy like Arnold was in the classroom he would never get railroaded like he did on his first day. This guy was Commando for crying out loud. No way a pack of five year olds could get the best of The Terminator.
21 years later I got a taste of what Detective John Kimble was up against.
Last Sunday night I received an email that a school needed a substitute teacher for the following day for their Kindergarten class. Now it was around one in the morning, I had tailgated the whole day at the Niners/Giants game, and I would have to wake up in six hours to go and teach. No sweat, right? Advice: The worst ideas are always made at 1 a.m. after a day of tailgating.
I arrived at the school early in the morning to check in at the office and get my instructions. When I mentioned or people heard I was subbing for kindergarten the look and tone of the adults was like I had volunteered myself to the firing squad. Hey, its not like I haven't subbed before, granted it was older kids in 7th grade and I also had coached kids basketball from 6th grade all the way to high school. I even had babysat my niece and nephew, who were younger, numerous times. I was not fazed by their looks. Note to self- When more than one person openly worries for you in a certain situation you should probably not brush those concerns aside. Maybe think about running at that point.
I go into the classroom and see all the small chairs, the drawings hanging up, and all the basic math and alphabet charts up on the wall. Adorable. Little kids are fun. All they do is draw, have story time, and nap. This will be simple.
Then they came in the door like a scene straight out of Lord of the Flies.
There were 26 yelling, pushing, screaming little children running around the room like the offspring of the tasmanian devil. What is your record for most questions asked in .5 seconds? Mine is 26. Anything from my name, what is pink eye(what their teacher had), were they going to watch a movie, could they have share time right now, and other indiscernible questions I could not comprehend. Alright, no problem. Just the early morning excitement. They see a new teacher and they are back at school with their friends. Of course they will be excited. All of this is very exciting. I totally understand. I can handle this. They will tire themselves out and nap time will be here in no time. Maybe I can start it earlier.
An older woman came up to me and introduced herself as Mrs. Lewis. She was there to help me for the day. I turned to Mrs. Lewis to explain that if she had something better to do than she could go. I had this covered. Mrs. Lewis just gave me a smirk and asked, "You ever taught Kindergarten before?"
Me- "No, but I feel like I can manage."
Mrs. Lewis- "I'll stick around."
She handed me the lesson plan. I looked through it and nowhere on that sheet was there a place for nap time. If I remember one thing about kindergarten it was there was a nap time. I quickly pointed out the error to Mrs. Lewis.
Mrs. Lewis(smiling)- "Like I said before- I'll stick around"
First order of business is to take the kids over to assembly. The art of a straight line and staying in said straight line is not a five year olds easiest maneuver. I have seen intoxicated drivers on Cops better at walking and maintaining a straight line. And kids love to hug and squeeze one another? I am talking a bear hug where the kid on the receiving end turns red and their eyes may burst through their head. Another kid will join in on the squeezing when the first eyeball does not pop out just to see if it will occur. Finally, the assembly ends and we go back to the classroom. So far I have a headache(Its not a tumor), but we have all the kids. Good start.
Back in the classroom it is just a hurricane all around the room. Kids are wrestling, kids are yelling, and the other kids have me backed against the chalk board asking me one of the following, "Can we read the Turkey book?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Can I go to the office I don't feel well?" "Do I have pink eye?"
The Pink Eye. When I first heard that the teacher caught it and that it is highly contagious I immediately felt an itching in my eye for the rest of the day. I tried to keep clear of the children and I washed my hands exactly 47 times during the course of the day. Once again- Don't put less value on people when they shake their heads and lower their voice in concern like you just signed up to bungee jump in Mexico.
The day dragged on and on with kids yelling to talk, admonishing me for not doing activities like their teacher, and wondering when they were going to watch their movie. A little girl was playing a game of hide and go seek with herself having hid in every crevice of the room. Me nor any of her classmates tried to seek her out, though Mrs. Lewis eventually would find her and call her to sit on the mat as punishment. Another little boy began to sob uncontrollably when he was not allowed to ring the bell. In protest he laid on the ground and cried for a solid twenty minutes. The kids though were not fazed as they just stepped over the child and didn't pay attention to him.
And the bathroom breaks, water breaks, and sore throats. If one kid announced they needed to go to the bathroom then everyone had to go to the bathroom. Now these kids don't wear diapers and I refuse to have some kid mess himself in my classroom so I excused each and every child to the bathroom. It was like the ladies room at any event, but with boys and girls lined up for one bathroom (The boys bathroom was broken, probably due to overuse). I just wanted to shout, "No more complaining. No more, "Mr. Mark, can go to the bathroom?" There is no bathroom!!!!
There was crying, there were hurt feelings, there was curling up in the fetal position in the corner. By the time I was done doing those three things the kids had returned from PE and were ready for lunch.
I needed a Phoebe moment where she tells John Kimble after his first day that it will be alright. You just can't show fear. No fear.
I Can Do This!!! I Can Do This!!!!
It is Noon and I look around the room with blocks laying all around the ground, papers thrown all over the room, and marker strewn all around the room.
I can't do this.
And then Mrs. Lewis came over and told me I was doing a good job. I was? These kids were wearing me down. These kids had looked into my soul and saw fear. They bear hugged me till my eyes popped. My head was throbbing.
Mrs. Lewis- "I mean, you are doing better than I thought you would do. Kindergarten is tough. They have a lot of energy and they are excited about school. You have showed patience when a lot of other adults would have just shut down. You are doing fine."
The second half of the day was much like the first. Screaming, bathroom breaks, sickness, the girl was still hiding, but nobody was seeking. The little boy threw another tantrum in the middle of the floor as nobody paid attention. i was convinced I had contracted pink eye as my eyes itched, but I dare not touch them.
As I looked at the clock I was fighting for sanity. I was fighting for survival. I had become Dutch, Arnold's character from The Predator, just trying to survive till the clock struck three. There was no escaping the kids as they just came at me in waves of tattling, hurt feelings, and meltdowns over such things as their shoe not being tied or not having a yellow crayon. Seriously, who did away with nap time? We all could have benefitted from a nap.
Mercifully, the kids finished their final project that left the tables full of glue and strips of scrap paper covering the floor. I pushed play on their Winnie the Pooh movie and finally a calm hit the room. A special thank you to the inventor of the TV, Philo Farnsworth, who must have been a father to a bunch of kids or a kindergarten teacher. You could not convince me he had any other occupation. The TV was invented to calm and entertain children while parents went to the other room to have a good scream or cry or both.
The bell rang ending the day. It was not a case of if I had lost any of the kids, they were all there feasting on what was left of my soul, but rather if I was still alive. I felt my pulse. It was faint, but I had a pulse.
I walked out of that school like a wounded, ragged soldier. The kids having gotten the best of me that day. I now know why Ivan Reitman casted Arnold to play the Kindergarten teacher- It doesn't matter how tough, how bad, or how big you are. You will always succumb to the youth and energy of a class full of children.
Now get to the Chopper!
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